Biscuit got one of those spiffy new Apple phones a few weeks back. This morning she tripped over the Apple Pay mechanism and asked me about it. We registered her American Express card – no problem. Then we tried to register her Barclaycard. After unexpected delays, she left to take a shower. I remained on the line twenty eight and a half minutes to complete the process. The precise time came from the iPhone’s display. We’re still not sure if this worked – Amex sent me an email confirmation, but I haven’t seen any response from Barclays.

The registration went smoothly at first. I wasn’t my wife, but I was the account holder. I knew all of the authentication answers for both of us. The representative assured me that i didn’t need to be my wife to complete the process.

Then, suddenly, a person from “Account Security” was brought onto the line and my first phone person had to hand me over to her. Minus 5 points.

She apologized for the inconvenience and then admitted she couldn’t do a thing to activate Apple Pay, and had no idea why she was brought into the call. Plus 5 points for honesty, minus 5 points for transferring me yet again.

The third Account Security person asked me every single one of my additional security questions along with everything except my street address and SSN. Then she put me on hold for a few minutes. Then I was transferred to someone else. Minus another 10 points.

The fourth Account Security person (or maybe fifth by this point, I lost track) double checked to see if my name or basic identity had changed in the past few minutes, asked me my birthdate and SSN, and then put me on hold for several minutes, returning briefly every so often to apologize or ask something else. Minus another 20 points.

Then our landline rang. It was Barclaycards Account Security to tell me someone was registering my card for Apple Pay, using the “wrong” telephone number. I admit I replied loudly, but assured her that I was on the other line at that moment, trying to register my wife’s card for Apple Pay. I was asked for the card number (again!). My wife, long since out of the shower, started shouting at the phone in the background. The representative apologized for the difficulties, and hung up. Minus another 10 points.

When #4 returned, the timer was over 20 minutes, and I shared my unhappiness with her. Then I apologized and acknowledged that she was probably a victim of this mess, too. She was patient and apologetic (plus 10 points) and assured me she could fix this. More time on hold. Finally, she admitted defeat and transferred me yet again. Minus another 10 points.

I’m happy to say that the Final Account Security Rep was in fact able to complete the process. Biscuit insists that she’ll never use the Barclaycard with Apple Pay after this mess.